sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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