I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
you have to choose: penises or morals?
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Randomize
