he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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