I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
