I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
