I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
