My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
