We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
