then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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