You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
