I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
