omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
