Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
