Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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