I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize