Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
