Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
