it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Randomize
