The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
She told me I should be a condom model.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
i need some magic done to my vagina
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I need to calm my uterus...
Randomize
