I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
