Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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