I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
