you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
