Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
