so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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