There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
