It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
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