I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
