3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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