I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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