You're my little dorito
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize