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You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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