My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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