I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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