Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
