why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
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