Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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