I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
