Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
