I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
