I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Found the puke drawer
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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