can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
