Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
