you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
