I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
