Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
