ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
