I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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