I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize