I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
