When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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