I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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