We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Randomize
