Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
