I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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