I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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