i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
