I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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