sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Randomize
